Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome to play along."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic.
I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom.
Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her......He's naked, too!!! The *****!"
He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth." "Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his **** off to teach him a lesson."
The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hitman calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here."
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap .
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you
3 wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank
you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.
Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the
world. The frog warned her, "You do realise that this wish will also
make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women
will flock to." The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most
beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM - she's
the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the
world and he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That's
okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM - she's
the richest woman in the world
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd
like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you.
Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart. Let them
continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to
show that you women never listen!
It does say crap jokes thread 
thought they were both quite good actually 